LGBTQ+ Allyship: A Guide for Loved Ones
Navigating LGBTQ+ allyship can feel overwhelming at first. You might deeply care about someone in your life who identifies as LGBTQ+ and want to show up for them, but fear you’ll say the wrong thing, offend unintentionally, or simply “mess it up.” It’s common to feel unsure of where to start, especially if you grew up in a different time or cultural context. You might even catch yourself thinking, I just don’t get it. What matters is that you’re here, ready to learn and grow.
LGBTQ+ allyship isn’t about being perfect or knowing all the latest lingo. It’s about listening, learning, and loving. At its core, allyship is a journey of acceptance and advocacy, not tolerance. Tolerance implies enduring something you’d rather avoid; acceptance, however, celebrates and affirms someone for who they truly are.
Acceptance means saying, “I see you, I support you, and I’m here to learn how to love you better.”
In today’s political climate, a lack of understanding can easily breed fear, division, or even hatred. By taking steps to educate yourself and embrace active allyship, you not only deepen your relationship with your loved one but also contribute to a more inclusive and compassionate society.
What Is Allyship?
Allyship is more than good intentions—it’s about action, humility, and commitment. Here are three key pillars of allyship as defined by a survey of over 100 LGBTQ+ individuals conducted by the Harvard Business Review:
1. Acceptance:
Warmly accept your loved one for who they are and how they express themselves, even if you don’t fully understand. Your support helps create a safe space where they can thrive.
2. Action:
Educate yourself on LGBTQ+ history, issues, and experiences. Use your privilege to advocate for your loved one in the face of prejudice or discrimination.
3. Humility:
Recognize you won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. Approach conversations with an open mind and a willingness to learn, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Active allyship, as defined by CultureAlly.com, means recognizing your privilege and taking responsibility for creating real change. But what exactly is privilege? Privilege isn’t about what you’ve been through; it’s about the things you haven’t had to go through. Every single living being experiences hardship and suffering—privilege is simply acknowledging the areas where we don’t face systemic oppression layered on top of life’s daily struggles. Recognizing this doesn’t diminish your challenges; it just broadens your understanding of others’ experiences and the additional barriers they may face. As Dina Nina Martinez Rutherford puts it, "Your privilege doesn’t mean you don’t struggle. It means there are some struggles you haven’t had to face."
The Science of Learning and Emotional Regulation
Becoming a better ally is a journey, and learning something new—especially when it involves unlearning old patterns—requires emotional regulation. We can only learn and connect effectively from a calm, centered place. According to polyvagal theory, emotional regulation activates the social engagement system, a state in which we can listen, empathize, and communicate more effectively.
As someone outside the marginalized community, you may have greater access to emotional regulation around this material, thanks to not carrying the same weight of systemic oppression. Part of the accountability of privilege is using that capacity to continue cultivating a regulated state, so you can keep showing up in support. This self-regulation not only helps you sustain your allyship efforts but also leads to more satisfying and meaningful interactions with your LGBTQ+ loved one.
Remember: pacing yourself is key. Take deep breaths, lean into community support, and practice good self-care. Recognize when you need to pause or reflect, and give yourself permission to move forward with diligence and compassion. Learning and growing as an ally takes time, but the rewards—both for you and your loved one—are profound.
Where to Begin?
The goal of this guide is to offer you starting points for becoming a supportive ally, without placing the burden of your education on your LGBTQ+ loved one. While personal conversations are valuable, your loved one shouldn’t have to shoulder the emotional labor of teaching you everything. The resources in this guide will help you:
- Build a foundation of understanding about LGBTQ+ identities and issues.
- Develop the tools to advocate effectively and compassionately.
- Create a safe and affirming environment for your loved one.
Remember, allyship isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up with love, care, and curiosity. You might make mistakes along the way, but what matters most is your willingness to listen, learn, and keep growing. This isn’t about passing a test or proving to your loved one everything you know. Instead, it’s about using this information as a foundation to connect more meaningfully with them regarding this piece of their identity. Asking open-ended questions, rooted in curiosity rather than assumption, is a beautiful way to integrate this learning and deepen your relationship. By doing so, you create a space where your loved one feels seen, valued, and safe to share more of their authentic self. With this guide, you’ll take meaningful steps toward becoming the ally your loved one deserves.
The Guide
General Information
- Glossary of LGBTQ+ Terminology: A comprehensive list of terms and definitions to help you better understand the language and identities within the LGBTQ+ community.
- A Few Stats: A snapshot of statistics that highlight the experiences and demographics of LGBTQ+ individuals.
- FAQs about Transgender People: Answers to common questions about transgender identities and experiences.
- About Being Non-Binary: Insights into what it means to identify as non-binary and how to support non-binary individuals.
- About Pronouns: Guidance on why personal pronouns matter and how to use them respectfully.
- Up-to-date Research: Research findings on mental health and risk factors impacting LGBTQ+ youth, including suicide risk.
LGBTQ+ Hubs of Info & Resources
- Human Rights Campaign (HRC): A leading advocacy group championing LGBTQ+ rights.
- Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): A support network for families and allies of LGBTQ+ individuals.
- The Trevor Project: Lifesaving resources and support for LGBTQ+ youth.
- The Matthew Shepard Foundation: Outreach, advocacy, and resource programs for human dignity and diversity.
- American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU): Engaged in litigation, policy work, and societal education in support of LGBTQ+ civil rights.
- Lambda Legal: Committed to achieving full full civil rights for LGBTQ+ people.
- Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD): An organization dedicated to promoting positive LGBTQ+ representation in media.
Political Context & Human Rights
Conversations about politics are an essential part of LGBTQ+ allyship because they often intersect directly with basic human rights. Human rights encompass the ability to live without systemic barriers based on your identity, including access to jobs, housing, healthcare, and family-building opportunities. For LGBTQ+ individuals, many of these liberties remain at risk, making political engagement a matter of safeguarding equality and dignity.
This isn’t about Republicans vs. Democrats—it’s about ensuring that everyone, regardless of their identity, can live freely and safely. You can like or dislike, agree or disagree, engage or disengage with whatever you choose, so long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others to live authentically within their own values, culture, and preferences. Advocacy in this space isn’t about division; it’s about standing for the basic principles of fairness, safety, and humanity.
- GLAAD’s Trump Accountability Tracker: A documented list of Trump’s actions and statements opposing LGBTQ+ rights (at the time of posting, this list was up to 225 attacks against LGBTQ+ people).
- HRC’s Timeline of Trump’s Efforts against the LGBTQ+ Community: A chronological breakdown of anti-LGBTQ+ measures during his first term as president.
- Concerns for LGBTQ+ Rights regarding Trump’s Key Nominees: Insights into the views of Trump’s potential appointees.
- Expert commentary on the future of LGBTQ+ rights in Trump’s upcoming 2nd term: An interview with White House Correspondent Laura Barrón-López about impacts of 2nd presidency term's impact on LGBTQ+ rights
Allyship Resources
Websites
- PFLAG’s Getting Started with the Essentials: Foundational resources for new allies.
- PFLAG’s Becoming a Better Ally: Tips and strategies to deepen your allyship.
- HRC’s Ally Guide: Practical advice on supporting LGBTQ+ individuals.
- My Kid is Gay: A resource for parents of LGBTQ+ children.
- Allyship comes in many forms, here are a few...: Different ways to show allyship in daily life.
- Ally Tips tailored for specific identities: Support strategies for diverse LGBTQ+ communities.
- Hate Crime Prevention Resources: Tools to address and prevent hate crimes.
- Straight For Equality: A PFLAG program for allies who aren’t family members.
Books
- The Savvy Ally: A practical guide for becoming a more effective LGBTQ+ ally.
- Trans Allyship Workbook: Exercises and insights to better support transgender individuals.
- The Pink Line: An exploration of how LGBTQ+ rights shape societies worldwide.
- Seeing Gender: A visual and narrative guide to understanding gender diversity.
- Allies at Work: Strategies for fostering inclusion in professional spaces.
Currently Streaming: Queer Representation
Is watching movies and TV shows with LGBTQ+ characters and story lines going to make you an ally? No! However, like mentioned earlier, sometimes the lack of familiarity can further the divide. Media representation is powerful—it can shape our perceptions, challenge (or reinforce) stereotypes, and provide opportunities for empathy and connection. Seeing diverse stories portrayed on screen helps normalize LGBTQ+ identities and experiences, creating a culture of inclusion and understanding. While consuming media alone isn’t sufficient, it could be a fun, meaningful step in broadening your awareness and sparking important conversations.
- Queer Eye (Netflix - TV): A makeover show that celebrates self-love and authenticity.
- Heartstopper (Netflix - movie): A tender coming-of-age romance.
- Nimona (Netflix - movie): A story of rebellion and identity through a queer lens.
- We’re Here (HBO - TV): Drag queens bring acceptance and art to small-town America.
- Schitt’s Creek (Hulu - TV): A sitcom with groundbreaking LGBTQ+ representation.
- What We Do in the Shadows (Hulu - TV): A comedy featuring diverse queer characters.
- The Last of Us (HBO - TV): A post-apocalyptic story with meaningful LGBTQ+ narratives.
- Umbrella Academy (Netflix - TV): A superhero series that includes LGBTQ+ storylines.
- Sense8 (Netflix - TV): A sci-fi drama showcasing global queer identities.
- Our Flag Means Death (HBO - TV): A pirate comedy with a heartfelt queer love story.
- The Great (Hulu - TV): Historical satire with inclusive themes.
- Atypical (Netflix - TV): A coming-of-age series with LGBTQ+ representation.
- A League of Their Own (Prime - TV): A reimagining of the classic story with a focus on queer narratives.
- Good Omens (Prime - TV): A fantasy series with queer subtext and humor.
- Pose (Hulu - TV): A groundbreaking series on ballroom culture and queer resilience.
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Becoming an ally is a process, and it’s okay to start small. Choose one resource from this guide to explore today—whether it’s a book, a website, or a TV show. Each step you take brings you closer to understanding and affirming your LGBTQ+ loved one while contributing to a more inclusive world.